Unpacking Relationship Baggage

Emotional baggage

My last serious relationship ended over a year ago and I was pretty solidly single for most of that time. I spent a respectable chunk of these solitary days reflecting on and untangling the reasons why that relationship didn’t work. I also put myself in new situations that forced me to grow and went on countless first dates. Given all of this, I thought that by the time my next partner came along, I would be ready to jump head first into the beautiful throws of new love without a moment’s hesitation. I was wrong.

Instead of being giddy with delight at the prospect of falling in love again, I found that as my feelings for this man grew I became increasingly terrified and anxious. My last break up had cut me so deep that the prospect of getting hurt again reduced me to tears. Over the last few weeks, I have lain in bed beside him in the early hours of the morning staring up at the ceiling thinking, ‘I could just bail now. I could just get up and leave and never return and save myself from inevitable pain.’ But something has made me stay. Perhaps the possibility of a wonderful, new beginning is worth more than the fear of another heartbreak.

I have spent many hours (and I am still doing it) berating myself over these conflicted feelings. I kept asking myself why I couldn’t just be happy and enjoy this period of exploration. What I had failed to acknowledge was how completely natural and ok these feelings were (and still are). Of course I’m scared! Relationship baggage doesn’t magically disappear over time – no matter how hard you try to throw it out. Despite all of this, I have decided to continue this journey and see where it could lead.

I have told myself that when I feel the panic rising I will bring myself back into the present moment with my new lover. I will be mindful. I will show up for him. I will remind myself that he is not my ex. I will allow myself to be vulnerable with him even if it is difficult. I will communicate about the hard things.

I will gather a ladder and lean it against the shelves of my soul. I will climb up into the dusty corners and reach into the back where so little light goes. I will gently carry down the bags that few people have seen. I will lay them down before me on the floor and then beckon for my beloved to come and join me. Together we will open the bags and I will show him, ‘Here, this is where it hurts.’ We will unpack the baggage together.

Yours in quiet hopefulness,

Peaches and Cream

X

Peaches and Cream
Peaches and Cream

Full-time feminist; part-time student. I delight in finding creative ways to empower people in their sexual journeys, whether it is through conversation, education or masturbation. I believe that all people should be supported as they seek authentic self-expression and helping people along this path brings me great joy. When I’m not talking to people about sex and gender you can find me flirting with this beautiful city we live in while sipping a whiskey on the rocks and sassing everyone that crosses my path.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CAPTCHA Image

*