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I am taking a break from my current blogging series, because the only thing I feel like writing about is what is going on for me at the moment. A while ago in my blog about dancing, I mentioned how I fell deep deeply in love with someone when we connected in dance. It is time to tell my story about a dance love.
As I started my journey in conscious dance, my fear of rejection kept me from being open to dancing with men for a long time – especially the ones I felt attracted to. Through using dance as a way for me to become more and more comfortable and confident in myself, there finally came a day where I was able to meet with someone. A beautiful man, a wonderful dancer. It was as if suddenly we had tuned into each other’s frequency, and it was explosive with raw lust and passion. That dance rocked my world and was a catalytic moment that gave me the confidence to go through with some difficult decisions in my life.
Our dance became a weekly event, and I found myself counting the days until I could experience bliss and deep intimacy with him on a Tuesday night. Naturally I fell deeply in love. I have since learned that it is very possible to experience and appreciate beautiful connections on the dance floor without making a ‘happily ever after’ about it, and simply enjoying these moments when they arise. This wasn’t going to be one of those though – I went through intense crushing, through to infatuation with this man. And, because he was not available to me outside the dance space – big heartache as well. I tried so many ways of getting over it, avoidance, suppression, meditation, dancing countless other yummy love dances, releasing again and again. But of course when you keep meeting (and dancing together every time, because you are just so magnetically attracted one another), the attraction will not magically go away. And so it went for a long time, until I was able to get angry and had to admit that I was barking up the wrong tree and my falling-into–the-ditch in-loveness was just a way that I was giving my power away and refusing to take responsibility for my feelings and actions. It also helped that he went away for a while and I was finally able to ‘get over’ him in a big way. It was a long and hard process, I cried rivers and filled hundreds of pages with writing as I tried to make sense of it all, and my friends patiently listened to me and held me in compassion at each step.
… And then – after a few months when we both returned to our favourite dance regularly, our dances overlapping every time still – we saw that none of the charge has lessened. But I was so fine. I was simply, still am, so grateful for this blessing of being able to experience myself through this man in such a beautiful safe way. And as time went on there has developed a deep love and trust between us. Our dance is something that has become incredibly precious to me, it is beautiful, both aesthetically and emotionally. I fly with this man, I am immediately switched on, turned on with this man. I am able to completely surrender all of me to him and our dance. My trust of him is seemingly infinite. He lifts me, I spiral around his shoulders, I drop to the floor, and he always has me. I know his body and the way he moves and responds to me in the same way that I know my own body. I am able to unleash my fierceness, my anger, my love, I don’t have to hold anything back or pretend anything with him.
I’ve just hit a major wobble though – recently we had a dance where it felt like we had gone a level deeper and in the wake of that I found myself really wanting to have more of him in my life, and knowing very clearly that this is not possible. I have been again dissecting and intellectualizing these feelings, and I know a large part of it has to do with the fact that he is unavailable (which just makes him so much more desirable!) and that there are some very compelling hormonal effects that I am learning to transcend more and more. Yesterday I was able to admit to myself (and to him) a lot of truth that I had been afraid of because it shows up my insecurities – like the fact that I want to know what I mean to him. I was able to look at what he represents to me and at what I really want as well.
And then I got really tired of trying to understand the why and how of this, and I went to dancing where our dance was him holding me in his strong, safe and loving arms as I wept for my aching heart.
I have faith that I will get back to my own sense of wholeness in myself, and I am still grateful for this dance and the huge learning and growth that it continues to challenge me to.
Here is something I wrote when we started dancing together, I call it Found:
It is in the stillness where there is nothing to hide
It is in the seeing and being seen by your eyes
It is in the flame being fueled by desire
It is in the tenderness that remains after the fire